Fear of the Toilet

Absurd, I know, who's afraid of the big bad toilet? ME!! I'm sorry but I don't want my toilet to have any intelligence but the ones here do and it creeps me out. When you sit on the toilets in our apartment they make a whirring sound like they are preparing for something. I don't want my toilet thinking about what I'm doing!! Then they have all these buttons you can push for cleaning yourself, I'll take care of that, thank you! Gross, I know, to much information but my god, when you're paranoid about toilets it really invades your life. It's hilarious but at the same time, I think, please give me a normal toilet that doesn't sense anything when I'm using it!! The toilets will turn on us, have we learned nothing from films like the Terminator movies?!?!? Attack of the toilets, geez I would hate to think of their ammunition, ewww. Apparently mom and dad have the most advanced toilet in our building, which is saying something (it's the one on the top, mine's on the bottom and do you see all the instructions in the lid?!?). I haven't even brought myself to use that one yet. So you have the realm of super technology, and then you have primitive toilets, the far opposite end of the spectrum. When you go to a public restroom, these are your options, space age toilet or living in the woods toilet. It's basically a toilet in the ground that you squat over. I'm sorry, but that's quite a leap from one to the other and I'm not comfortable with either one. SAVE ME! I dunno, everyone raves about these robotic toilets, maybe I'll grow to love them just as my parents and this entire country do but until then, I get to experience a great deal of tension surrounding these technological fiends.